Ramblings.

I'm drowning in my thoughts.. my thoughts of you.
I feel my body start to freeze..
My heart beats faster, but it beats only the flow of sadness. It's cold.
My body aches. It aches for you.. and because of you.
I can't blame you, I wish I could. I blame myself and fate.
I feel pain but continue to feel numb. I become number.
And as the pain grows inside my rotting body, I feel hatred flourishing alongside it, deep in my wounded soul.
I wonder if suffering physical pain would erase or hide the emotional pain?
Nothing can.
Or should I constantly lie to myself?
What possible lies could I invent to satisfy my incompletion.
My lies would be empty. I am empty.
If my soul was in a battle, it died a martyr against hatred, sadness, and darkness.
As I lose my soul, I begin to fill up with these feelings.
I feel it letting go.. letting go of me.
I care for nothing.. including myself.
I just want the pain to go away.. Far away.
I reassure myself, "It's only a matter of time.."
But, times like these barely pass by!
Has my timeline frozen still? Is it moving that slow that I begin to believe so?
What if time passed, wouldn't my pains worsen?
What would guarantee my soul's recovery at that point.
Blackness and darkness is filling me and scarring my veins with anxiety and need.
My heart pumps sorrow. My veins no longer carry blood, but are internally bleeding it. (figure of speech)
I am bleeding out from the inside.
What if it's too late? What if I don't stop?
My eyelids are heavy but I no longer know sleep.
My eyes are dry, only because I force them to stay that way.
My soul hurts.. It would only be teased by your presence.
Am I dying? It feels that way.
If not physically, emotionally indeed.

No.
I won't feel.
I won't let myself feel!
I'll grow in hate, darkness.. But I can't escape the sadness.

Sadness, darkness, desperation, and hatred surround me now. These are my friends.
They stay with me and I cannot leave.
Happiness, warmth, laughter, and companionship are my long lost party.
Once upon a time, they were my friends.
Lo, they were taken away from me.
I try to chase them, but I can't. My legs are numb. I can't move.
The walls are closing in on me, or so it seems.
I'm in a box. I will live, die, and rot in this lonely miserable box.

I live in misery and depression.
What can save me now?

I no longer have the energy or faith to hope.
I lost my faith. Emotionally. Physically.



I've lost everything.
My one thing was my everything and it's been taken away...
Taken away from me.