Post 5

The summer days drifted by slowly.. Slow, because I was desperate to lay my eyes on her, once again..
A second seemed to pass as ten..
As that summer, which wouldn't have existed if the laws of the universe were under my command, came to a gradual end, my heart began to palpitate.. I was going to see HER.. The girl of my dreams.. My love.. Or, so I thought..

But, the day school started, I just wished that day hadn't come after all.
I didn't exist in her world. It seemed like I had to check the mirror to make sure I did, because the manner she strutted by me was so determined, I began to question my own existence.
I guess my naive hopes of her "forgetting the past" seemed far from reach, and, instead, the reality of "ignoring my presence" kicked me in the teeth.

At that point, I was desperate for any sort of communication. Being friends was the Santa Claus to a child.. A fantasy.. A thought that only a delusional mind would consider. Out of options, I resorted to bullying. I must admit, though, her frustration enticed me. Yes, I loved irritating her. She left me no choice, but to irritate her. She had it coming. The prank-calling, the teasing, the mild-bullying.. It was endless.
The accidental, yet definitely purposeful, "bumping into her".. I know my actions were transparent, but my impetuous ways were acts of desperation. I was desperate for a look.. When our eyes aligned, I felt my body dismantle. It was a feeling I yearned for, time and time again.

Her explicit feelings of hatred, however, seemed to come to an abrupt end.
While her routine was a daily basis of neglect, avoidance, and disregard, she began to.. care?
Why was she looking at me? I felt her staring, piercing through my soul, as if I had no shield.. Then again, my guards were always let down when it came to her.
She could have any part of me, if she desired. My aisles of feelings, emotions, memories, and anything that I was made up of, was her's to shop in..
Anything I seemed to do was of her interest.

Ramblings.

I'm drowning in my thoughts.. my thoughts of you.
I feel my body start to freeze..
My heart beats faster, but it beats only the flow of sadness. It's cold.
My body aches. It aches for you.. and because of you.
I can't blame you, I wish I could. I blame myself and fate.
I feel pain but continue to feel numb. I become number.
And as the pain grows inside my rotting body, I feel hatred flourishing alongside it, deep in my wounded soul.
I wonder if suffering physical pain would erase or hide the emotional pain?
Nothing can.
Or should I constantly lie to myself?
What possible lies could I invent to satisfy my incompletion.
My lies would be empty. I am empty.
If my soul was in a battle, it died a martyr against hatred, sadness, and darkness.
As I lose my soul, I begin to fill up with these feelings.
I feel it letting go.. letting go of me.
I care for nothing.. including myself.
I just want the pain to go away.. Far away.
I reassure myself, "It's only a matter of time.."
But, times like these barely pass by!
Has my timeline frozen still? Is it moving that slow that I begin to believe so?
What if time passed, wouldn't my pains worsen?
What would guarantee my soul's recovery at that point.
Blackness and darkness is filling me and scarring my veins with anxiety and need.
My heart pumps sorrow. My veins no longer carry blood, but are internally bleeding it. (figure of speech)
I am bleeding out from the inside.
What if it's too late? What if I don't stop?
My eyelids are heavy but I no longer know sleep.
My eyes are dry, only because I force them to stay that way.
My soul hurts.. It would only be teased by your presence.
Am I dying? It feels that way.
If not physically, emotionally indeed.

No.
I won't feel.
I won't let myself feel!
I'll grow in hate, darkness.. But I can't escape the sadness.

Sadness, darkness, desperation, and hatred surround me now. These are my friends.
They stay with me and I cannot leave.
Happiness, warmth, laughter, and companionship are my long lost party.
Once upon a time, they were my friends.
Lo, they were taken away from me.
I try to chase them, but I can't. My legs are numb. I can't move.
The walls are closing in on me, or so it seems.
I'm in a box. I will live, die, and rot in this lonely miserable box.

I live in misery and depression.
What can save me now?

I no longer have the energy or faith to hope.
I lost my faith. Emotionally. Physically.



I've lost everything.
My one thing was my everything and it's been taken away...
Taken away from me.

Post 4

Excuse my lack of creativity (referring to the title of the post).
This is strange.. It's been so long since I've been here..

A lot has changed. My life has been progressing.. Climbing mountains.. Tough situations have bestowed on me, and I believe my life is a terrible mess right now. A sticky cobweb.. A tangle of wires, not the usual earphone tangle, though. This kind of tangle is going to take a lot longer and is not as simple as you may think (tugging around the wire beginnings and endings like you normally would when undoing a tangle..). This one may take more of a hassle. Everything.. Every step has to be carefully thought out.. No mistakes.. NO mistakes can be made. I have reached a point in my life where my feelings have began to slowly vanish... I feel numb and senseless.. Running away from my thoughts. Escaping the present.. A lot of people escape their past.. That's the escape you most commonly hear of.. However, when it comes to that aspect of running away, I'm better at escaping the past than the present. What's done is done, right? But the present.. That's the sticky, icky part of the timeline.. You can't escape the present, heck! It's right there in front of you! Constantly reminding you of what you have to bear with.. What you have to go through! The only way to escape it is to escape your thoughts, which I, myself, do not think is a healthy exercise. Not something I want to get used to, really. Once you escape your thoughts, I think you'd never be able to face the arduous situations that tackle you on a (more or less) weekly or monthly basis. It's your thoughts.. your careful planning that guides you step-by-step into making the sagacious choices that will help you solve your problems critically.


Anyhow.. Just a little random rambling. I thought it might help in regard to what I'm currently dealing with.


So, after running smoothly on this engine of friendship with RA, strange feelings began to emerge from within me.. Sprouted like stems and leaves of a bean.. And trust me, that doesn't take long. It was sudden and surprising.. Overwhelming, if I may say so myself. My little bean seed was nourished with her kind, hazel eyes (as cheesy as that sounds). Her soft, glowing white skin.. Her hands had a cold touch that somehow managed to melt me down on the inside. We grew closer and closer. Then, weird thoughts racked up inside my head. We had a misunderstanding and that's how it all began. A fight that ended up with me.. how do I put this? Luring her back into my friendship? It was satisfying.. It was filling. It was a test I managed to ace everytime I was examined. It nurtured my ego.. My ego began to flourish.
I teased her incessantly. I enjoyed watching her cheeks flare up as I angered her. I took it for granted that my presence in her life was a matter she found extremely difficult to exclude. I had to be in her life, at that point, and if I wasn't.. She'd walk around and I'd see an empty feeling in her eyes as much as she tried to escape it; however, when I look back.. I doubt myself as to whether she actually felt that extent of liking towards me. I was ugly.. very ugly. Maybe it was my personality?


Well.. Later on that year we had an event in our school, a play! Oliver Twist.
We volunteered as waiters and waitresses. It was dark.. The show took place late at night.. After sunset. We catered to the guests of the play (mostly parents of the students performing and other teachers that stopped by).
I suspect we finished volunteering and other people took our place. We started walking around, me and my classmates (including RA). The campus at night was adventurous. I loved it. Dark, eerie, and mysterious.. The tall structures around me, the buses that were parked just made it even more mystical.. What hid behind them?
We started chitchatting and suddenly, a strange subject was raised. We all began questioning one another that, if we were boys, which girls we'd date or have crushes on. RA never answered. Neither did I.
Me and RA walked off with another girl.
I decided to pull off a little stunt.. just because I was a playful about-to-be-teenager. I strove for her attention.. desperately. I pretended I had to go to my grandmother's house weekly visit, which was in the same area as my school. That wasn't true though. None of it was. Anyways, I ran off and they followed me.. I hid. Crouching down I saw them arrive just a few seconds later, eagerly trying to find me.. To ask insist me to stay. They thought they were too late.. Little did they know I was hiding in that tiny, musty room just a few steps from where they were. They were naive.. Or they trusted me. Whatever.
I heard them exchange words to one another.. A little sadness lingered in their voices.. I felt touched.. because of RA not the other girl.
They walked off and I kept hidden a bit.. Thought about the lovely RA.
I couldn't handle keeping away from her, especially when she was so close. I called them, made up something.. can't remember, though (my memory's a bit foggy).
When I was halfway to meeting them, I saw them running at me.. All I focused on was RA and how she ran to me and spread her arms out.. We had that awkward hug. I hope you know what I'm talking about.
We walked about a bit more.. Finally, the time has come for RA to say her goodbyes and depart to her house.
Trying to walk as slowly as my legs would take me without standing still. I just wished to stretch out the time.. Attain as many minutes I can with RA, the first person that could speed up my heartbeats and slow them down at the same time.
Just before we left, she pointed at me and said YOU from afar. I wondered what she meant, and so I asked "What do you mean?!".. She rephrased "I'd pick you..".. Shocked, I ran up to her.. She was embarrassed, she wasn't expecting me to come up to her after her brave confession.. She seemed nervous. I told her.. "Wow.. I'd pick you too.." .. She said it was "TOP SECRET" and told me not to tell anyone. I wondered why but just let it go. It mattered enough to me that she chose ME!
That day I returned home.. I was floating on the clouds.. Drifting in the breeze of pure happiness and satisfaction.

I went home.. I was filled with joy. I felt it oozing through my veins.. My heart pumped faster and harder. The rush I felt was thrilling.. It was exhilarating.
I acted before I thought.. I took her words for granted and ended up sending an SMS text and confessed my "love" to her.



No reply.

I send another text next day.. She says 'Don't ever message me again' or something along those lines. The shock of my life.
Ugh, it was a slap on the face. A rather painful one.

I tried to deny what I previously said, tried to label my actions as nothing more than a joke.. But it was obvious and the mistake could not be undone. At school she stopped talking to me. I specifically remember writing a note to her and once I handed it to her, she took it and ripped it into pieces and threw it on the ground and STEPPED ON IT. The shame.. the shame. Did I mention this happened in front of my class, who at that point started to wonder 'what the hell happened to those two, they were attached to the hip!'..

Later, I confessed to a handful of friends that I crushed on RA.
At least they accepted it.. And helped me through other situations later on. Good friends..

But it was never the same with her again.

The U-Turn.

Something rather queer about me is the fact of how I mysteriously like to challenge myself. Indeed, I purposely trip myself to stumble onto such devastating situations only to see if I can glide my way out of it successfully. Allow me to call it self-entertainment.

However, I'm not sure others found it as entertaining as I did.

There was a girl.. Her name was ..well, let's just keep it at "RA". She was a hazel-eyed, lightly freckled, average-heighted, fascinating girl.
I started off hating this girl, I despised her. Whatever feelings I currently, at that time, possessed towards her ranged from dislike to hatred - nothing positive.

What had some enhancing effects on these emotions was quite silly.
A year or two before that, we were in two separate classes.
Our paths never collided and she was just that stuck-up girl (as I once thought) from that other class! I used to hang out with this 'shila' at Grade 6, and what happens, as goofy as this sounds, was whenever someone felt a feeling of dislike towards someone it would spread out through this group and we'd end up sharing this feeling.

So back to Grade 7.
I tried to avoid RA in anyway possible as if she were some sort of virus.
So once, we had music class and we were practicing using trumpet mouthpieces and guess what?
Yup, not enough for us all.
And what was that genius IDIOT of a teacher's idea?
Bucket of Dettol and Water and a partner.
How disgusting? I have to share a tiny, metallic object which would accumulate with saliva with someone? Who's he kidding, Dettol ain't gonna wash away the revulsion of this!
I look around, eagerly looking for the partner I'd least be disgusted with.
Oh, GREAT, everyones partnered up except for me and RA. Reminds me of the 'spin-the-bottle' moment where everyone gets up as soon as the bottle is spun, leaving no other choice but for the remaining two to kiss. As ironic as this sounds (you'll find out why this is ironic later on) I hated it. Ugh, why her?! Why me?! Farakt il7adeed tifirik oo ma3 hatha ma t6amant ina tna'6af!

But as the days crept onwards, my feelings of hatred towards her came to an abrupt stop, U-turned, and went down another completely antonymous path!

We actually 'clicked'! Not at the beginning, of course, but with time our clinky uneasy machinery parts became oiled with trust, companionship, laughter and that's what started our engine of friendship going.

Now, the challenege I was reffering to at the beginning of the post. 'Shda5ilah bilmaw'6o3?', you may think so to yourselves. Oh, and the strange feeling I mentioned in the previous post? Soon soon..

A little more detail..

Perhaps, I should fill you in on some more juicy (not) details of my (adjective goes here) life.

You may ask yourselves (and possibly me later on) why I called this blog 'ugly secret'? Hmm?
Truth is, there's not one person that knows me!
Sure, I might give some people the pleasure of thinking they do, but no-one in fact does..
Why? Because I cover it all up with lies, and some more lies, add a little more lies! Sprinkle with some more lies, whaddya get? Liegetti.. or Lieagna or.. Perhaps Liezza?
I might be exaggerating, I don't know. But how else would one not know the truth about me? My ugly feelings? My wicked thoughts? My selfishness (at times) and all the other dark, hidden things one wouldn't normally show?

Let me rephrase.. Allow me to use the expression 'twist it around'. It starts as an honest statement, until I twist it around, hide some important facts, add some made up ones in until I make up some bogus thingamajig that makes me look innocent and others guilty - or the other way around (huh?).
Are you getting lost? I hope not..

Let's give you a brief (LIES), explicit introduction, shall we?
Hmm, I was always a fan of video games - still am, too. Around 4 years ago, I was wandering around the house and I strolled into my big brother's squarish, dead room. He hid his laptop screen in a hurried manner which seemed to spark my interest more from a small flame to a roaring fire! What was going on!!? What's he so eager to hide from me? I was astounded by his behavior.

I walked up to him, but he wouldn't spill the dirt. I retreated to my room after what seemed like failure.
I couldn't set the subject aside, it was itching and I had to scratch it! Right there! Ah.. I waited patiently, until I heard the bathroom door creak shut!

It was my chance! I rushed to my brother's room, tiptoe-ing of course, and there it was.. The hidden treasure was now at my reach.. SUCCESS! So, I take a closer peek.. Hmm! It's a game? What's it called.. I squint my eyes to read the small, yet bold title that said 'Runescape'.
What..? That's it..?! Oh, it's my silly brother and his issues of not wanting me to copy him! Couldn't blame him though, I was pretty annoying and whatever he did, I managed to outdo him at it.
So, off I ran to my room excitedly and opened up the game and stood flabbergasted.. How do I play? I asked myself.
Eventually, my brother gave in and decided to teach me the 1-2-3 of the game, and I picked it up.

I played this game for a while, it was an MMORPG, ooh I just got goosebumps writing that delicious word *giggle*. So, basically, on games like that people all around the world play together. So, apart from playing you also got the advantage of making friends (only really an advantage if they were good friends, no?).
I made a friend and her name was Rachel. She was from Belgium and was 14 (2 years older than me at that time).
At that time, my knowledge of the gay/lesbian/bisexual society was limited. Rachel was a lesbian, and astonishingly enough that didn't disgust me at all! I was interested and above that... I liked it.
She broadened my perspective on the GLB (gay/lesbian/bisexual) lifestyle.
I was thrilled to meet such a person, in a way. I have to admit, at the same time I guess I was subconsciously trying to rob her (ma9la7chiya, kaaak ;p) or at least make something off her.

Let me point out something: I used to be the kind of person that would say something and give an opinion completely opposite to what I think only to see the reaction of the person I'm confronting. Makes sense?
Well, I had no-one to relate to about some issues I was having.. My sudden interest in girls! Maybe it was a phase, who knows? Nonetheless, I needed a listening ear.

So, I told my girlfriends at school about Rachel, how I met her and that she was a lesbian. Not one of them supported it, they were all disgusted. But, hey who was I to blame them? We were just a bunch of close-minded, 12 year-old girls under complete control of our parents. We were horses that were blinded from what was left/right only to see ahead to what was intended or wanted for them to see! The word novelty wasn't yet a part of our vocabulary, but I managed to break free of that close-mindedness prison.

It felt like a door was slammed shut in my face.. No shoulder to lean on! Not concerning this subject, at least. Which was a shame, because even though I continued to update them with Rachel's lifestory (which she would tell me about over the game only because I was interested, though) I began to feel something...strange!

First Post (stating the obvious).

Err, howdy.

Where do I begin? Generally, I'd answer in a cocky manner to whoever asks this question with an answer like, 'At the beginning, doh!'.

Problem is, I don't know where the beginning is!

Complaining on my first post, how pathetic. Hope you can You better put up with me, though.


So, who am I? That's one secret you'll never know, you know you.. UH, scratch that! Stupid Gossip Girl (all you GG fans, please don't eat me :<).



I'm a 16 year-old high school senior. Currently doing my last year, then onto university which'll be here in Kuwait, inshalla.

I've got a strange life, doesn't everyone?
The word 'strange' pretty much points to different, and everyone's different (one way or another, at least) so, of course I'd be strange.
Here's me rambling again..
Back to me.

Lately, my friend gamat itshayishni w t7in 3alay 3ashan asaweli blog, so as you can see, SHE SUCEEDED.



Basically, I just want somewhere where I can endlessly write what I feel without having to worry about someone's reaction, losing something/someone, or the fear of having someone not understand me leading to something else.. You know what I mean.. Right?



I want to rant! I want to be open, honest and unrestrained. Not held back by anything/anyone.



So, I'm eager to do this but only if someone is eager to listen, I mean hey, I need feedback - doesn't everyone?

So bear with me, keep up with me, and hey maybe you'll have fun (a little?).