Ramblings.

I'm drowning in my thoughts.. my thoughts of you.
I feel my body start to freeze..
My heart beats faster, but it beats only the flow of sadness. It's cold.
My body aches. It aches for you.. and because of you.
I can't blame you, I wish I could. I blame myself and fate.
I feel pain but continue to feel numb. I become number.
And as the pain grows inside my rotting body, I feel hatred flourishing alongside it, deep in my wounded soul.
I wonder if suffering physical pain would erase or hide the emotional pain?
Nothing can.
Or should I constantly lie to myself?
What possible lies could I invent to satisfy my incompletion.
My lies would be empty. I am empty.
If my soul was in a battle, it died a martyr against hatred, sadness, and darkness.
As I lose my soul, I begin to fill up with these feelings.
I feel it letting go.. letting go of me.
I care for nothing.. including myself.
I just want the pain to go away.. Far away.
I reassure myself, "It's only a matter of time.."
But, times like these barely pass by!
Has my timeline frozen still? Is it moving that slow that I begin to believe so?
What if time passed, wouldn't my pains worsen?
What would guarantee my soul's recovery at that point.
Blackness and darkness is filling me and scarring my veins with anxiety and need.
My heart pumps sorrow. My veins no longer carry blood, but are internally bleeding it. (figure of speech)
I am bleeding out from the inside.
What if it's too late? What if I don't stop?
My eyelids are heavy but I no longer know sleep.
My eyes are dry, only because I force them to stay that way.
My soul hurts.. It would only be teased by your presence.
Am I dying? It feels that way.
If not physically, emotionally indeed.

No.
I won't feel.
I won't let myself feel!
I'll grow in hate, darkness.. But I can't escape the sadness.

Sadness, darkness, desperation, and hatred surround me now. These are my friends.
They stay with me and I cannot leave.
Happiness, warmth, laughter, and companionship are my long lost party.
Once upon a time, they were my friends.
Lo, they were taken away from me.
I try to chase them, but I can't. My legs are numb. I can't move.
The walls are closing in on me, or so it seems.
I'm in a box. I will live, die, and rot in this lonely miserable box.

I live in misery and depression.
What can save me now?

I no longer have the energy or faith to hope.
I lost my faith. Emotionally. Physically.



I've lost everything.
My one thing was my everything and it's been taken away...
Taken away from me.

Post 4

Excuse my lack of creativity (referring to the title of the post).
This is strange.. It's been so long since I've been here..

A lot has changed. My life has been progressing.. Climbing mountains.. Tough situations have bestowed on me, and I believe my life is a terrible mess right now. A sticky cobweb.. A tangle of wires, not the usual earphone tangle, though. This kind of tangle is going to take a lot longer and is not as simple as you may think (tugging around the wire beginnings and endings like you normally would when undoing a tangle..). This one may take more of a hassle. Everything.. Every step has to be carefully thought out.. No mistakes.. NO mistakes can be made. I have reached a point in my life where my feelings have began to slowly vanish... I feel numb and senseless.. Running away from my thoughts. Escaping the present.. A lot of people escape their past.. That's the escape you most commonly hear of.. However, when it comes to that aspect of running away, I'm better at escaping the past than the present. What's done is done, right? But the present.. That's the sticky, icky part of the timeline.. You can't escape the present, heck! It's right there in front of you! Constantly reminding you of what you have to bear with.. What you have to go through! The only way to escape it is to escape your thoughts, which I, myself, do not think is a healthy exercise. Not something I want to get used to, really. Once you escape your thoughts, I think you'd never be able to face the arduous situations that tackle you on a (more or less) weekly or monthly basis. It's your thoughts.. your careful planning that guides you step-by-step into making the sagacious choices that will help you solve your problems critically.


Anyhow.. Just a little random rambling. I thought it might help in regard to what I'm currently dealing with.


So, after running smoothly on this engine of friendship with RA, strange feelings began to emerge from within me.. Sprouted like stems and leaves of a bean.. And trust me, that doesn't take long. It was sudden and surprising.. Overwhelming, if I may say so myself. My little bean seed was nourished with her kind, hazel eyes (as cheesy as that sounds). Her soft, glowing white skin.. Her hands had a cold touch that somehow managed to melt me down on the inside. We grew closer and closer. Then, weird thoughts racked up inside my head. We had a misunderstanding and that's how it all began. A fight that ended up with me.. how do I put this? Luring her back into my friendship? It was satisfying.. It was filling. It was a test I managed to ace everytime I was examined. It nurtured my ego.. My ego began to flourish.
I teased her incessantly. I enjoyed watching her cheeks flare up as I angered her. I took it for granted that my presence in her life was a matter she found extremely difficult to exclude. I had to be in her life, at that point, and if I wasn't.. She'd walk around and I'd see an empty feeling in her eyes as much as she tried to escape it; however, when I look back.. I doubt myself as to whether she actually felt that extent of liking towards me. I was ugly.. very ugly. Maybe it was my personality?


Well.. Later on that year we had an event in our school, a play! Oliver Twist.
We volunteered as waiters and waitresses. It was dark.. The show took place late at night.. After sunset. We catered to the guests of the play (mostly parents of the students performing and other teachers that stopped by).
I suspect we finished volunteering and other people took our place. We started walking around, me and my classmates (including RA). The campus at night was adventurous. I loved it. Dark, eerie, and mysterious.. The tall structures around me, the buses that were parked just made it even more mystical.. What hid behind them?
We started chitchatting and suddenly, a strange subject was raised. We all began questioning one another that, if we were boys, which girls we'd date or have crushes on. RA never answered. Neither did I.
Me and RA walked off with another girl.
I decided to pull off a little stunt.. just because I was a playful about-to-be-teenager. I strove for her attention.. desperately. I pretended I had to go to my grandmother's house weekly visit, which was in the same area as my school. That wasn't true though. None of it was. Anyways, I ran off and they followed me.. I hid. Crouching down I saw them arrive just a few seconds later, eagerly trying to find me.. To ask insist me to stay. They thought they were too late.. Little did they know I was hiding in that tiny, musty room just a few steps from where they were. They were naive.. Or they trusted me. Whatever.
I heard them exchange words to one another.. A little sadness lingered in their voices.. I felt touched.. because of RA not the other girl.
They walked off and I kept hidden a bit.. Thought about the lovely RA.
I couldn't handle keeping away from her, especially when she was so close. I called them, made up something.. can't remember, though (my memory's a bit foggy).
When I was halfway to meeting them, I saw them running at me.. All I focused on was RA and how she ran to me and spread her arms out.. We had that awkward hug. I hope you know what I'm talking about.
We walked about a bit more.. Finally, the time has come for RA to say her goodbyes and depart to her house.
Trying to walk as slowly as my legs would take me without standing still. I just wished to stretch out the time.. Attain as many minutes I can with RA, the first person that could speed up my heartbeats and slow them down at the same time.
Just before we left, she pointed at me and said YOU from afar. I wondered what she meant, and so I asked "What do you mean?!".. She rephrased "I'd pick you..".. Shocked, I ran up to her.. She was embarrassed, she wasn't expecting me to come up to her after her brave confession.. She seemed nervous. I told her.. "Wow.. I'd pick you too.." .. She said it was "TOP SECRET" and told me not to tell anyone. I wondered why but just let it go. It mattered enough to me that she chose ME!
That day I returned home.. I was floating on the clouds.. Drifting in the breeze of pure happiness and satisfaction.

I went home.. I was filled with joy. I felt it oozing through my veins.. My heart pumped faster and harder. The rush I felt was thrilling.. It was exhilarating.
I acted before I thought.. I took her words for granted and ended up sending an SMS text and confessed my "love" to her.



No reply.

I send another text next day.. She says 'Don't ever message me again' or something along those lines. The shock of my life.
Ugh, it was a slap on the face. A rather painful one.

I tried to deny what I previously said, tried to label my actions as nothing more than a joke.. But it was obvious and the mistake could not be undone. At school she stopped talking to me. I specifically remember writing a note to her and once I handed it to her, she took it and ripped it into pieces and threw it on the ground and STEPPED ON IT. The shame.. the shame. Did I mention this happened in front of my class, who at that point started to wonder 'what the hell happened to those two, they were attached to the hip!'..

Later, I confessed to a handful of friends that I crushed on RA.
At least they accepted it.. And helped me through other situations later on. Good friends..

But it was never the same with her again.